Thursday, October 27, 2011

Waking from a Nightmare

It seems I scared off a few followers with my last blog entry. I could write an entire blog entry solely based on that alone, but I don't think it would be very nice. Suffice to say that I do not value followers who simply disappear when they read something they don't like. In fact, if those people try to follow me again, I think I'll spare them the hypocrisy and just block them from viewing my blog. I don't want their half-baked and flaky following anyway. If I quit reading stuff because I didn't like it, then I would quickly run out of things to read.

I cannot say that I understand what happened, but it was a very awful experience. I had come into this semester not on top of my game emotionally, but I still had a great sense of hope. My hopes were raised with the discovery that I enjoyed my job, my classmates, and my classes. But soon my classmates disassociated and began to clique-up. I am fortunate to spend more than ten minutes with any one of them. I was also quite excited because I had such a unifying experience at Chapter Focus Week in Michigan that I thought things would be better at my chapter of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF or simply IV). My first three months that I went were completely insignificant and altogether disappointing.

Everything I had looked forward to was crumbling. I was more than just discouraged. I was feeling completely crushed and defeated. Then I was severely penalized at work for somethings I didn't do. I tried to contest it, but the issue fell on deaf ears. In class I found myself so sleep deprived that my short-term memory failed and I couldn't remember the data as it was being read off in the lab for recording results of experiments which I must later turn into a lab report. The last two things which I found fulfillment in; work and class, had just been pulled out from under me like a rug. I would cross the street and literally question whether it would matter at all if I got hit by a large vehicle. There seemed to be absolutely nothing significant about my life and there was certainly nothing that I could think of at the time that was keeping me here on Earth.

Then I woke up one day and this monumental pressure was gone. The dark clouds had parted and the Son was shining through again. I cannot for a moment explain what happened or why. All I can say is that I'm glad it is over and I'm glad there were a very small handful who took time to talk with me, listen to me, and genuinely showed me that they cared. Others still made offers to listen, but at the time I wasn't in a place where I could just pour myself out to anyone.

There's so much more I could say about how much I hold such contempt for the human race, and about how much I trust humans to do only one thing and that is to let me down, but I'd prefer not to dwell on such darkness after having been in complete absence of Light.


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